who just said that?!!?!?!?

So far, on this blog, i have recreated spider killing stories, told of my many activities off campus and on, and let you see just a little bit about what my days are like. One thing that i have not done, is talk about God in a personal way. I was conflicted on the choice of sharing or not.

On one hand, i feel that if i share something that i am going through, that people might then assume that my actions should follow in the lesson and that might not always be the case and i might feel judged. I have a fear of being judged. Maybe it's because i automatically will size someone up just after i have met them. I don't let what i decide influence me in my interactions with people, but i do not always feel comfortable with people doing th same to me. I think this is a syndrome of too much thinking.



I am hearing voices. Not my own. Like, i am hearing God..i think. Well, i have always heard him, but i never gave him the credit. Today is a prime example.

This morning i woke up at 7:00am because a friend of mine decided that i needed to get a text telling me to have a nice day. I like this friend, just wish he slept in a little more. I was not able to get back to sleep, and if you know me at all, you know that is amazing. Cause i can sleep anywhere for any amount of time, no matter how many times you wake me up. I had to be at the Chiropractors this morning at 9:30 and seeing that the day before i had scrunched my hair and that uses a GREAT deal of hairspray and gel and the second day is usually a rats nest, i needed to take a shower, then dry my hair, then flat iron it. Otherwise it is just silly looking. So i layed in bed till 8:15 and then got up and got in the shower. I stubbed my toe in the shower, while i was in there someone came and started to take a bath, which sucks all the hot water, and i realized that i REALLY needed to shave but didn't have the time and didn't bring a razor with me even if i did have the time. So i got out, wrapped my towel around me and limped back to my bedroom. I was able to get dressed, get my hair all done and apply some make up and still be ready to leave on time! Which would allow me to be ten mintues early to the doctors. So i grabbed my purse, left my room and sarted walking down the hallway. That is when i remembered that i was supposed to bring my passport number for my medical files at the dr's office. So i went back. Then i left again. I got to the bottom of the stairs and rememberd that i was not coming back after the appointment and that i had told Mary that i would work in the gallery till 1:00. So i went back to my room and gathered some study material and left my room again. (oh, did i tell you i was in flip flops? It was sunny from my window in my room) I got all the way outside and it was pouring down rain. I didn't want to go back to my room, so i just kept walking toward the truck. I got there, and realized that i had never grabbed the keys for the truck. Ugh! I walked back to my room. I grabbed the keys in a huff! and walked out my room and down the stairs. Halfway down, i realized that i never locked my room. So i yet again, went back. I finally made it IN the truck and ready to go. I made it to the dr's with 2 minutes to spare. I was drentched and a little annoyed at ...well...life, at the moment. I walked in and sat down and the reception lady said, "Hi Heidi! The dr is running about 15 minutes late, hope that is ok!" What if i said it WASN'T ok?!?!!? What then?!?!!?! I sat there patiently and waited my turn.

Once in the room, the dr said that my pelvis had gone back to the other position, the wrong one, and that she would need to re-align it again and that she wanted to do the vibrating patches again and also she was going to dry needel me. HOLD THE PHONE! DRY NEEDLE?!?!?!!?!? I am NOT in the mood for someone to put a needle in me! And actually, i can't think of a time i was EVER in the mood for a needle prick! Apparently dry needleing is when they put a needle in you and then let it stand there and then "flick" it like it was a little bug. It sounds stupid, and i don't understand why i had to pay her to do it to me.

We finished up the appointment with her giving me some more excersises and telling me to come back in two weeks. I paid and left. In pain and not wanting to head back out in the rain in my flip flops. (cause no, out of all the times i went back to my room, i never rememberd to change my shoes)

I got out to the truck and guess what!?!?!? I left the lights on so it had a dead battery!!!! Just my luck! I had no idea what to do, so i called Mary, told her that i might be late for my shift at the gallery and then called the only person i knew to call. Uncle Greg. He just lived down the street and i knew he would know what to do. I asked him if i should just walk to the gas station just down the street but he said that they are not prepared to handle crazy things like dead bateries here in the good ol South Africa. He said to hang tight and he would come help me out. I was so thankful and yet felt bad he had to go out in the rain. I was in a single row of parking spaces and so the only way to get to my hood was to go from the side. Or the rear, but who has cables THAT long? The spot next to me was open so i took a moment, and said a little prayer. "Lord, let that spot be open for Greg so that he can fix my dead battery. Just hold it for him, ok?" Just after i was done praying, i opened my eyes and a car had pulled in. WHILE I WAS PRAYING FOR IT TO STAY OPEN! It was like God was laughing at me. Or at least it felt that way. I swear God is up there saying "neener neener neener" sometimes. I just glared at the car and waited for Greg, figuring he is the smart one, he can figure it out. I saw him pull around the corner onto the street that i was on. Also, just as that happened, the lady that owned the unwelcomed car next to me, came out of the office building. She pulled her car out just as Greg was pulling in the parking lot.

Fine. God has better plans then i do. It's just frustrating when i don't get my way.

I got out of the truck and greeted Greg. We looked all over for the hood lever. It was nowhere. This is an old Nissan. Hardley anything is labled anymore and it's so hard to find things. We both looked all over and then i had to give up and call Mary. It's her truck, so she should know. She said it was just a little black stick coming out of all the wires. We got the hood popped and greg told me to go sit inside the truck, and to rest and not get my hair wet. At first, i was upset by this. I want to do my part. I am not a girly girl and i don't care about my hair and if i am sitting in the truck while you are out there doing everything, doesn't that make me lazy? And ungreatful? But i followed orders. And, really, i did care about my hair, cause i had dried and flat ireoned it all nice like. The rain was somewhow being nice to it. So i sat there while he hooked it all up, tyring to watch best as i could, as if i was interested in what was happening. All i know is that i just wanted my car started and to go back to bed.

We got the truck started and Uncle Greg came over to my window and said just what i needed to hear. He said that he was more then happy to help cause it was all that dad's could do sometimes. The manly stuff, like saving a daughter in distress. I said he scored major daddy brownie points today! Then, as he walked away, he said "oh, and you look very pretty today". I don't know why, but that made my whole morning. I had felt so stressed and in pain from dry needling and frazzled about the rest of my day, and then to have someone bring you back to reality and say someting so nice, true or not, was just plain helpful! I had my initial reaction when people compliment me and in my head i said to myself "Liar! what do you need?!!?" but the, instead of saying that out loud, i just said Thank You and left.

I drove to the Gallery and was there just a few short minutes after i said i would be, so that is nice. I thought that i would be there and be able to get some studying done and feel productve. Not the case. I got my book out and started going over it and just fell flat. I had no energy to read, no energy to write. My butt hurt from the chair i was sitting on and i was restless but not wanting to walk around on my leg cause it hurt. I stayed sitting at the desk and just stared out the windows. I started counting waves. Even more boring then it sounds. Just before i left, i had a talk with Mary and with me driving the truck now, she put me on the insurance and put my address for where it will be parked and by doing that it made the price jump up more then double. See...i live in a not so good part of town...she lives in an all white gated community. A lot safer. So, we have not figured out what to do, but i may have to give the truck back. Which will be sad, and will cause a lot more stress. I just can't afford to pay more on it. I am paying for half, and at the cheap rate, my half was $46, at the expensive rate, my half would be $120. More to come on that one.

At 1:00 i left.

I went back to school and to my room. I had to plan the rest of my day.

Here is what i had on my plate. I had signed up for a Kids Ministry training that night and all day the next day, however, i also have 4 papers to write, a test to complete and a paper that i have to re-do by Monday morning. Also, i am still 8 books behind in my Bible reading, also i have to figure out how to download a video to a CD that doesn't want to cooperate. And..........i wanted a nap! I really wanted to go to the Kids Ministry training as i had registred and didn't want to be rude and not show up. They were providing food for all that attended and i know having planned events before, that you get irritaed if people don't show up when they say they will. And, if i went tonight, i would have to go all day tomorrow cause then i would have met people shown my face and then they would have a face to put with the loser that didn't show up for the full day of training. I could either not go to either, or go to both. I sat on my bed and prayed again. I said "God, i don't want to go tonight. I have too much homework to complete before sunday night and i can't afford to lose tonight and all day tomorrow. Please show me a sign that i am not supposed to go, but if you do want me to go, at least could you stop this rain? I have no idea where i am going and it's a sketchy part of town and i dont' want to travel there alone in the dark and in the RAIN!, thanks" Then, i promptly took a nap. I set my alarm for 3:00. That was an hour nap. I would get up, do a little homework and then leave by 4:30 to get there by 5:00 ish when registration opened.

I woke up at 4:30. (decided it was a sign that i was not supposed to go)

The rain had stopped. (decided it was a sign that i WAS supposed to go)

I got up, still not sure what i was going to do, and took one look at my paper that i had to write and decided that i would rather go to the training. So i got dressed again and headed out the door. Got to the bottom of the stairs, and remembered the keys to the truck were on my bed. Again, got to the bottom of the stairs and remembered that the truck needed gas and i keep my truck money in my dresser, so had to go back and get that.Put it in my pocket. Left my room and got to the truck, got it started and was in reverse when i realized that i left the directions on my bed as well and that i had moved them in order to pick up my keys. (i am thinking this must be a sign that i am not supposed to be going) (i seriously thought about going back to bed) (i have a splitting headace) (i don't have any pain meds in my purse, they are in my room) I put the truck back in neutral, turn it off, lock it up, get out and go get the directons. I get down the stairs and remember that i wanted pain medication. But i was too frustrated at myself to go back. (making the headace worse) I got out to the truck and as i am putting the keys into the lock, i accidentlly drop the paper with the directions on it...it floats like a leaf down to the ground, but not without first going directly UNDER the truck. At this point, i literally drop my hands to my side, slup my shoulders and tip my head back...looking up. Eyes closed i say out loud "WHY?!?!?!?" (remember, it has just rained for the last 12 hours. the ground is very wet.)

I bend over and find the paper directly in the center of the truck on the ground. I get in the truck, start it up, reverse it until i can see the paper, and then put it in neutral and get out. As i step out of the truck, it dies. I huff my way over, pick up the paper, walk back and throw it in the truck. Have you ever tried to throw a piece of paper? Not very satisfing.

I finally am on the road. There is a gas station right on my way, which is nice. I pull in and say "fill r up, unleaded, and check the air in my tires, the front one looks funny" The guy called someone over and he had a look at my tires and said "you got a spare tire? this one is flat!"

Are you kidding me?!?!

I said no, i don't. Just fill it up and i will be fine. I did not want to deal with it and felt that ignoring it might change things, like we all do sometimes. He looked at me funny and said, "oh, ok".

I go to pay and put my hand in my pocket to get the cash and it's NOT THERE! It's not in my other pocket, it's not in my wallet it's not on the seat. I don't have enough cash to cover the gas in my wallet so i pull out my card. Not wanting to put it on my card. I don't trust gas station card machines. As the guy is walking away to get the machine, i find the cash, sitting atop the E-brake, on the floor. I put my hand out the window and try to call him back. No luck. So another guy comes over and i give him the cash and say, sorry, and quickly drive away. As i am passing the store part of the station, the guy is coming out with the card machine. I felt bad, but not enough to stop and explain it to someone who does not understand english.

I am back on the road. I only sort of know where i am going. The direcions were very good, but never having been in the area, i was still nervous. As i am driving, i am thinking about all the things that have just happened to me. Remembering that earlier, i had prayed for a sign as to what i should be doing. Go or stay. So i was thinking to myself, was the forgetfulness of things in my room from God, or from Satan? Cause, really, satan does not want me to go learn new ways to minister to kids. So ofcourse he is going to try and stop me. Was the flat tire a sign? Is the fact that it looks like it could pour down rain again any moment a sign? Am i crazy? I really could not figure it out. I decided that i would drive until it started to rain, and then at least i would be able to figure out my way back.

I made two wrong turn, but made it to the building just fine. I parked in the back where the parking lot is and was about to get out of the truck and then noticed just down the sreet a group of guys next to their cars watching my truck. I got nervous. I also could not see an entrance from the back, where i was parked. I decided that i would go for a little drive around the building. Plus, there were only like two cars in the parking lot, not what i was expecting. I drove around front and was able to get a spot directly in front of the doors. I saw a guy with a notebook go in one of the doors and assumed i had the right spot. I got out of the truck and walked inside. I followed all the signs and found the room. It was in the back of the building right next to where i was parked the first time. bleh! I saw my friend that i knew who is tomorrow's speaker/trainer and asked, where should i park? She said, obviously, right outside the door where i originally was. So i made my way back to the front of the building and get in my truck and go park where i was before. This time, knowing wehre i was going, i didn't feel so scarred of the dudes down the street. I went upstairs again and registered. Guess who walked in right after me? The dudes from down the street! They were attending the conference. What a waste of emotions on fear.

What i failed to notice on the registration form when i saw what time it started, was that registration was for an hour and a half. They did not start the meeting till an hour and a half after i got there. And registration? Yeah, that was just telling someone your name and them hanidng you an address label with your name on it and you putting it on your chest. The end.

I sat in a chair all by myself for the remaining time. My friend Charmaine, ended up coming and sitting next to me just before it started, so that was nice. She sat with me the whole time.

The training was AWESOME! Just after it started, i realized that God will never give me a sign to NOT attend something that will further my knowledge of him and give me a bigger heart for kids and teaching them ways to learn more about Christ.

I need to stop looking for signs, and just go with what i know i should do.

I am now going back again tomorrow and helping Charmaine with her sales table. It will be nice to feel useful. I am excited to learn what she has to teach all of us. There are about 200 people attending, so it's cool to see all the different types of people that God has used in Children's Ministry. I also have decided to attned the church that the meeting is being held at on Sunday. I really want to get plugged in somewhere and this will be a great start on my church hunt.

It is now 11:30 pm and i still have not written my papers or done any homework. I think that because i still have a headache, and that i have to leave at 8am tomorrow and wont' be homw till 8pm, that i will just go to bed.

Homework will get done.

On sunday.